In early December, my friend Lauren and I took H&H and her Pumpkin down to the Yorktown pier for some fun. I've blogged about it and posted photos a couple of times, but I've been holding out on you. You haven't heard the good stuff yet.
Nearly every time that Lauren and I venture out for some fun, we end up exhausted and frazzled or I do something brilliant like marinate the baby in rum. But, hey, at least I get some good blogging material.
Our trip to Yorktown didn't disappoint.
First, Holden kept trying to kill himself on the rocks of death. He would not stay off of them, even though his little feet kept getting trapped between the rocks. Holden is a climber. It's just what he does. He was frustrated beyond belief that he could not climb and he punished me by hitting, kicking, scratching and screaming. (Just for good measure, in case anyone in a 5 mile radius missed the injustice of it all.)
Then, up on the safe (we thought) pier, Holden found another way to do bodily harm to himself. See that little opening in the rail? It leads out to a little 4 inch wide ledge with nothing but water and rocks below. Guess who squished himself out there?
You know my husband is entertained by my blog because, upon hearing this, the first thing he asked wasn't, "Wow! Was he OK?" No. It was, "Did you get any PICTURES of it?!"
(For the record, I was too busy restraining my child from jumping off the ledge. Why am I seeing recreational cliff diving in my son's future?)
After that narrow miss, we decided to let the kids loose on the beach to run. With, of course, the appropriate threats of death if they put so much as a finger or toe in the water.
Do you think those threats worked on my little Hurricane Holden? Nope. He just walked right in and would have kept going.
So then the Pumpkin and Hollis earned a ride in the stroller. Since I hadn't brought my double stroller, Lauren forced them to sit together in her stroller. While we shopped. The kids were not happy.
Tough tiddlywinks, boys.
It only gets worse. When you misbehave in your teens, Hollis, you'll earn a trip lingerie shopping with dear old Mom.
Well, we weren't anywhere near the restrooms at this point, so I fully intended to take advantage of having a child who can pee standing up. He learned how to water the weeds as soon as that diaper came off for good. The parking lot was surrounded by these big bushes, so I figured we could sneak in one and drench the dirt in no time. Plus, Hollis is terrified of the "scary potties" with automatic flushers. (Are the people who designed those things sadists? Because they've clearly never potty trained anyone.)
I tossed back a, "Sure, he does it all the time," and then told Holden, "I'll be there in a second."
Can you see where this is going?
Lauren came around the other side of the car to get the Pumpkin in the car, while I finished up with Holden. We both turned around to check on Hollis at the same time only to find him naked from the waist down and assuming the pee stance right beside the car. He'd removed his shoes, socks, pants, and underwear completely. (What can I say? He doesn't like to dribble on his clothes.)
So, of course, a minivan full of women and girls pulls up across from Hollis and starts emptying. At this point I was laughing so hard I could hardly get out of the car. But I pulled myself together and tried to redirect Hollis to the lone scraggly little tree in the parking lot in a median beside the car. Hollis tried it out, but he didn't like the mulch on his feet, so back on to the concrete we went.
Hollis then asked, "Mommy, can you help me aim?"
I was thinking, "Oy. Kid, you're killing me. Don't you realize that adults can get arrested for stuff like this?"
So, I crouched down beside my naked child in the middle of a public parking lot with God and everyone walking by to see the show, and helped him aim. He was getting a little gun shy so I asked, "Hollis, are you going to pee?"
Hollis replied, "It's coming, Mommy."
Five seconds later still nothing and I said, "Hollis, are you going to pee?"
Hollis replied, "It's coming, Mommy."
Thinking I have the only 3 year old in the U.S. with a prostate condition, five seconds later I said, "Hollis, are you - "
"It's coming, Mommy!"
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I helped Hollis get redressed and got him in the car.
What was Lauren doing, you ask?
I think she was looking for a spare diaper in Holden's bag because I'm quite sure she peed herself while rolling around on the ground laughing.
At least I had the foresight to warn Lauren I was soooo going to be blogging this. Hollis is lucky I didn't have the foresight to take pictures.