is away I have been given the opportunity to
completely lower the standards of and degrade what was once an intelligent blog
post on the topic of my choice.
What is she......crazy? I mean, she reads my blog! How is she going to turn an obsessive-compulsive neurotic woman loose with NO restrictions or directions? I am already starting off on the wrong foot, as I would have SWORN my day to post was Wednesday of this week! (It's NOT.......I was supposed to post today....and well....it IS still Monday!) Thank goodness the freak in me wanted to practice getting into the site a little early! This only adds to the intense pressure!
Then again...........I must remind myself that I am the QUEEN
and as such, I am well versed in handling pressure! Everyone knows the Mayhem is not a stress- free place. Why, Junior Mayhem's behavior ALONE would send the faint of heart careening into therapy, alcoholism, or racing to the nearest adoption center!
All this talk of Junior Mayhem ( my precocious three year-old son.....and by precocious, I mean absurdly willful and stubborn) got me thinking about all the things that have changed since I became a mother. The Princess was born in 1998, and on that fateful day my life was forever changed. On that day I became a mommy!
So I thought I would share the changes I have noticed in my life during the last nine years. Please bear with me as I am a fan of the list!
Changes in the Queen Since Entering the Land of the Mommy
Since becoming a mom I have noticed:
1. where once stood a smooth, relatively flat, somewhat in shape stomach is now home to a lumpy, swollen pooch that looks as though it has been marred by a wild, jungle cat! (OKAY! I never had a six pack........but I never looked as though I was smuggling a small tire under my shirt either! Which is only aggravated by the low rise pants.........I mean.... really......do I need to world to know that my stomach is my problem area!!!!)
2. where once burned the passion of a fiery sex goddess now resides an exhausted, stressed woman who NEEDS to sleep! That's right people......I am NOT afraid to admit that sleep has taken precedent over sex at times here at the Mayhem! (Please don't ever tell Mr. Mayhem I said that......if he asks, I told you he is the sexiest man alive and I simply cannot keep my hands off of him....GOT IT? Good!)
3. that I am turning into my mother! Nothing instills fear in the heart of a woman like the realization that you can NOT escape from where you came! Amazingly, I am learning to appreciate that maybe she actually knew what she was talking about....all those years ago!
4. that karma has the capacity to bite you in the ass! Remember all those, "When I have kids, I will never.............." nonsense you said when you were blissfully ignorant of the trials and tribulations of parenthood? Yeah, they disappear quickly when your child is pushing you to the limit, publicly humiliating you, or depriving you of that precious, precious sleep! At that point....it is ALL about survival people!
5. the music, television shows, and movies that I once loved are all rude, crude, and completely unacceptable! This has been a most painful lesson for me, as I am the mom who has their kids singing "Fergalicious" and "Sexyback" in the car. DON'T JUDGE ME........I just could not do the Wiggles another second! However, when after listening the a song that was deemed "clean" on the Itunes site, my daughter asked me what a d*ckhead was. That's right....it was on the song....the song I was blaring in the car with both of my kids riding! I was a little too busy
shaking it to the beat driving to notice the offensive word. I just told her they must have said "jerkhead" and promptly deleted the offensive song from my Ipod.
6. that I am "Ma'am"ed by men of the age that I would have SWORN would still be trying to take advantage of my hot, sexy bod! Now I am ALL for manners.......but this one CAN sting! Especially when you are approached by a hawt young thing in a
bar library and the conversation begins, "Excuse me ma'am......." OUCH! ( Not that it EVER happened to me!)
AND...last, but NOT LEAST......
7. that my life is happier, more fulfilled, more meaningful, and more filled with love than I could have ever imagined!
No one ever said being a mom is easy........but the benefits are amazing!
Labels: changes, kids, nonsense, parenting