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The Times....They are A-Changing!
While Lawyermama is away I have been given the opportunity to completely lower the standards of and degrade what was once an intelligent blog post on the topic of my choice.

What is she......crazy? I mean, she reads my blog! How is she going to turn an obsessive-compulsive neurotic woman loose with NO restrictions or directions? I am already starting off on the wrong foot, as I would have SWORN my day to post was Wednesday of this week! (It's NOT.......I was supposed to post today....and well....it IS still Monday!) Thank goodness the freak in me wanted to practice getting into the site a little early! This only adds to the intense pressure!

Then again...........I must remind myself that I am the QUEEN and as such, I am well versed in handling pressure! Everyone knows the Mayhem is not a stress- free place. Why, Junior Mayhem's behavior ALONE would send the faint of heart careening into therapy, alcoholism, or racing to the nearest adoption center!

All this talk of Junior Mayhem ( my precocious three year-old son.....and by precocious, I mean absurdly willful and stubborn) got me thinking about all the things that have changed since I became a mother. The Princess was born in 1998, and on that fateful day my life was forever changed. On that day I became a mommy!

So I thought I would share the changes I have noticed in my life during the last nine years. Please bear with me as I am a fan of the list!

Changes in the Queen Since Entering the Land of the Mommy
Since becoming a mom I have noticed:
1. where once stood a smooth, relatively flat, somewhat in shape stomach is now home to a lumpy, swollen pooch that looks as though it has been marred by a wild, jungle cat! (OKAY! I never had a six pack........but I never looked as though I was smuggling a small tire under my shirt either! Which is only aggravated by the low rise pants.........I mean.... really......do I need to world to know that my stomach is my problem area!!!!)
2. where once burned the passion of a fiery sex goddess now resides an exhausted, stressed woman who NEEDS to sleep! That's right people......I am NOT afraid to admit that sleep has taken precedent over sex at times here at the Mayhem! (Please don't ever tell Mr. Mayhem I said that......if he asks, I told you he is the sexiest man alive and I simply cannot keep my hands off of him....GOT IT? Good!)
3. that I am turning into my mother! Nothing instills fear in the heart of a woman like the realization that you can NOT escape from where you came! Amazingly, I am learning to appreciate that maybe she actually knew what she was talking about....all those years ago!
4. that karma has the capacity to bite you in the ass! Remember all those, "When I have kids, I will never.............." nonsense you said when you were blissfully ignorant of the trials and tribulations of parenthood? Yeah, they disappear quickly when your child is pushing you to the limit, publicly humiliating you, or depriving you of that precious, precious sleep! At that point....it is ALL about survival people!
5. the music, television shows, and movies that I once loved are all rude, crude, and completely unacceptable! This has been a most painful lesson for me, as I am the mom who has their kids singing "Fergalicious" and "Sexyback" in the car. DON'T JUDGE ME........I just could not do the Wiggles another second! However, when after listening the a song that was deemed "clean" on the Itunes site, my daughter asked me what a d*ckhead was. That's right....it was on the song....the song I was blaring in the car with both of my kids riding! I was a little too busy shaking it to the beat driving to notice the offensive word. I just told her they must have said "jerkhead" and promptly deleted the offensive song from my Ipod.
6. that I am "Ma'am"ed by men of the age that I would have SWORN would still be trying to take advantage of my hot, sexy bod! Now I am ALL for manners.......but this one CAN sting! Especially when you are approached by a hawt young thing in a bar library and the conversation begins, "Excuse me ma'am......." OUCH! ( Not that it EVER happened to me!)
AND...last, but NOT LEAST......
7. that my life is happier, more fulfilled, more meaningful, and more filled with love than I could have ever imagined!
No one ever said being a mom is easy........but the benefits are amazing!

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Stinkin' page breaks did NOT work on the list! Sorry it is all scrunched together!



Blogger Julie Pippert said...


A. I have Sexyback and Stupid Girl in my car. I aim usually for foreign music so they have *no clue* but oyu know, sometimes, those Grammy winners are rockin. Let's just say my kids know what a Lady Lump is and trust me, it's one of the better words they can use. ;)

B. I hear ya on the muffin top. What's the think those flat bellied moms do to rid themselves of it? And if it involves running or personal trainers, forget it. If I'm hiring a hot man to make my life better, it's a cabana boy name Rico with a six pack---by which I mean both abs and ale.

C. I am so my mother.

D. My carded days are behind me.

E. Your boy and my Persistence are of an age. They must NEVER EVER MEET. Period. ;)

Great post. :)

Blogger painted maypole said...

when my daughter broke the JoJo's circus CD that had been on constant play action in our car, I replaced it with the Beatles. It's fairly clean, and I don't go insane listening to it. Plus, it's awfully cute to hear a wee one singing "Good Day, Sunshine!" from the back seat.

Blogger Grim Reality Girl said...

Amen sister!!!! Can I just say that I don't want to explain "Paradise by the dashboard lights" to my 10 year old son??? Hello!!!!! Why must we edit ourselves? Why must my darling child comprehend the meaning of the lyrics??????

Another hysterical and honest post from the Queen!!! Love it!!

I am my mother, too! Isn't that funny how that works....

I'd rather sleep than "vacuum" myself ... hee hee!
*nudging you w/ my elbow*

Blogger carrie said...

I could not agree more!

Love the list!


Blogger ewe are here said...

Fantastic list, and oh how I can relate, especially to Nos. 1, 2, 5, and 6 ... but luckily, also No. 7.
The benefits really are amazing -- my boys are the center of my world.

Blogger karrie said...

Yup, yup, nodding, yup. :)

Blogger slouching mom said...

Yes, number six. Nothing makes you feel older than "ma'am."

Blogger Deb said...

Everything is so sad but so true!

Blogger CPA Mom said...

wait, wait, did you step inside my head and write my post? this is me!

Blogger Part time Mommy said...

Did you jump into my head? All those fit. But I especially 'get' #1,2,5 and 7. My two year old thinks he's a "Redneck Woman" and that his "Tractors Sexy". Ahh the joys.

Blogger PunditMom said...

Yup, me too ... when do we get that other life back? ;)

Blogger Kerry said...

How fuN!!! Getting to guest post is such an honor :)

Blogger flutter said...

mmmm sleep sexy sexy sleep

Blogger sognatrice said...

Well I said hello to Lawyer Mama when she was at your place, so it's only fair I follow you here :)

Thanks for your visit and comment btw...if you feel like moaning, I'll be reading ;)

Blogger Marine Wife said...

My 3 yr old sings "Funkytown" and other selections from the Shrek 2 soundtrack. Guess it could be worse.

Relate to the "ma'am" thing, too, especially as I live on a Marine base. Lots of "ma'am'ing" here. But worse was the day when I welcomed it! (I yelled at some Marines in a parking lot b/c I'm turning into my mother).

Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

Lovin' #7. :)

Sounds like all of your hard work is paying off.

Blogger GoteeMan said...

Queenie -

Just a few thoughts -

#1 a road with no curves is boring as hell... Most guys I know (including me) would take a curvy one any day... a tummy ain't a problem, so don't let it be one for you - just decide you like it!

#2 Excuse me? Hire a sitter, swap kid keeping with a friend or something, and GET SOME SLEEP! How you gonna have energy to get it on if you never switch off and rest????

#3 uh, NO! you are not turning into your mother. If you are starting to ACT like her, it's because that's the image of a mom you have - if you don't like it, hell, get a new one!

#4 All I can say is watch a hell of a lot of "My Name Is Earl", and laugh your ass off. You ain't gotta be Karma's bitch...

#5 hey, now! I love a good TONE LOC, Marvin Gaye or Barry White song now and then - I just don't play it in the car with the kids, cuz I don't really wanna explain "Funky Cold Medina", "Wild Thang" or "Sexual Healing" to my 8 year old who is already fascinated by boobs...

#6 Excuse me? What the hell are you doing in a LIBRARY (BAR)? Pole dancing is really best done at home for your husband, in which case you can then both reap the benefits... and I bet your husband won't be calling you ma'am, and if he does, it's just becuz you are the queen...

#7 Now you are talkin'!!! You are uniquely the special, wonderful, irreplaceable treasure to those in your life!!! See, now you got it!!!

(Bowing and scraping low to the ground, as I retreat from the presence of your Highness....
while laughing softly, but hysterically...)


Blogger Ann(ie) said...

So very well said my friend!!

Blogger Slackermommy said...

Amen! I love this guest post thing. I'll have to do this the next time I go out of town. I'm giving YOU the keys.

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