Locations of 

visitors to this page






Main Page
3/03/2008
Life Is What Happens....
I've been missing for several days because I've been caught up in life.

You see, something has happened. Something almost imperceptible externally, but oh so noticeable to me. The earth has shifted on its axis again. My world has righted itself.

That deep green mucky hole I've been wallowing in has been filling up. For awhile I've felt as if I might be able to grab the top and pull myself out. And now I have.

Don't get me wrong, my living room gorilla hasn't suddenly turned into a cute little monkey I can put in a cage. He's still there. But now he prefers to hang out in the bedroom or the bathroom. Sometimes he even heads out to the garage.

Those are the good days.

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what or when everything changed. I can't. But I can tell you when I first consciously noticed it.

Sitting on a plane with Hollis, shortly after take off from Norfolk on our way to New Orleans, the sun started to rise. The tiny toy world from above the clouds is always amazing, isn't it? But that morning the amber glow of fresh sunlight made everything, even our unnatural silver tube, golden.

I watched Hollis, squirming in his window seat with excitement, wanting to see everything but happy just riding along waiting to discover what would happen next. I realized that I was happy to be there with him, on that journey, even if we never reached our destination.

That's what life is, isn't it?

So in the air at 15,000 feet, with my son and our sun, I realized that I want to give my children more of me. Not more of my physical presence, or even more time reading books, coloring, or rough housing, but more of what is essentially me. The part of me that I so often try to keep closed off from everyone, even those who love me best. The part of me that depression makes so ugly and moribund.

I'm going to try to enjoy my journey even if the destination isn't necessarily clear and the ride isn't as smooth as it could be.

I want to see what happens next.

So I'm going to turn my head to the sun as often as I can and remember that feeling I had at 15,000 feet; the belief for one moment that everything was going to be just fine.

If that doesn't work, I'm going to focus on this:

Discovery


and this:

Halo of Hair


and keep breathing, keep living.

It's a start.

Labels: , ,



33 Comments:

Blogger jen said...

oh babe. yes.

yes, yes, yes.

yes.

Blogger Joker The Lurcher said...

so glad you feel better. i'd say welcome back but i'm in a bit of a green hole of my own at the moment! its something that our kids teach us - live in the moment. we have very little control of the future and all our plans can easily go haywire, but enjoying the sunshine, or even the raindrops, is not such a bad way to be.

Blogger Doodaddy said...

Hang in there. You're focusing on the right thing.

Take care,

Dd.

OpenID wheelsonthebus said...

Given your title today, I wonder if you are the only one who got my title last week...

I am glad to hear that you are finding your way to the surface again. And that you are joining some lovely little people there.

Blogger kristen said...

sometimes the take-over is swift and silent, creeping up when i least expect it and other times, it's like a kick in the gut.

i have to believe and rely on the times that i've pulled myself back to the top and so far, i always have.

the son and your sun are such beautiful examples of why it's all worth it. sometimes all we need is that.

((hugs))

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I loved reading this - so glad things are turning for you! Haven't heard much from you on the board so I like to keep tabs on you here! I love your writing and I love the pictures of the boys!

Kathy from Mom's Time Out

Blogger Nancy said...

Yeah for you Steph!

Just one look at those beautiful boy's faces and you surely can't help but to see the sun!

Here's to many sunny days.

((hugs))

Blogger blooming desertpea said...

Right, the pictures of my kids in mind have always been the things to keep me alive in my most darkest moments ...

Blogger Mayberry said...

How great! And just as spring is coming too.

Blogger DD said...

The sun always shines a little brighter; a little warmer; after the rain has fallen. That's where rainbows come from.

Blogger Gwen said...

Sounds like a good place to be, and with most excellent (and handsome!) company.

Blogger ewe are here said...

I am delighted to read this. Just delighted.

And those two lovely boys of yours are definitely worth focusing on... just look at them!

And please remember, you're not just lucky to have them; they're lucky to have you, too.

Blogger Sunshine said...

That's all you can ask of yourself, girl. Your best. Those adorable faces are waiting and ready for you!

Blogger Defiantmuse said...

it's funny how it happens, isn't it? ...a moment in time...sometimes it's something concrete, sometimes it's something elusive and intangible. Yet something clicks and there's light again. I feel you.

Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

So glad for you, really. Here's to the sun.

OpenID FishyGirl said...

Just starting to find my way through the clouds myself. Welcome.

Blogger Angela said...

I literally exhaled, reading this.

Blogger Christine said...

i GET this. i really do. sometimes it's there sometimes it's and often we don't know why either way.

breathe in the sweet, fresh air of it--spring is coming very soon. ..

Running on empty

Blogger Mieke said...

I'm glad you're feeling better. Life. It isn't what they sold us when we were little - is it. You are right to squeeze the bits of joy out of the moments you can. It's what I do as much as possible to build up the reserve for the harder days.

Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

...and a good one!

Blogger Mary G said...

The way you have caught the light in the little guy's eyes in the second photo is awesome!

So glad to hear the lift in your blogging voice and that there is some sunshine returning to your life. So very glad!

RE: Feb 29 post. (Just in case you ever want to win a Trivia game.) The Trudeau thing is referred to as 'The Walk in the Snow'. February in Ottawa = lots of the white stuff. When PET announced his retirement he started out by saying 'I went for a walk in the snow last night'....

Hugs!

Blogger Kyla said...

This is excellent, LM.

Blogger Stimey said...

Fabulous. Maybe the gorilla can live in the shed.

Anonymous Gunfighter said...

Attagirl, Steph!

Blogger Robin said...

Naw - the gorilla just needs to go on a vacation to somewhere dark and cold.

We had our first sunny day of 70 and it felt SOOO good. I love those moments! Those moments where you feel alive again!

Anonymous BipolarLawyerCook said...

So happy for you. I remmeber that happy dawning, so clear in my memory.

Blogger Mom101 said...

Beautiful and smart all at once.

The post too.

Been there.....and it is SO wonderful to LEAVE there! :)


You go girl...I knew you had it in you!

Didn't you learn...there is almost NOTHING a good appletini can't fix! :)

Blogger Moondance said...

Yes, the inexplicable turn....

Go back and read this every day.

Blogger Jenn said...

That's exactly what life is.

I can feel the sun over here.

So happy for you, LM, so freaking happy.

Blogger PunditMom said...

I'm so happy to read this. You are an amazing person and I knew in my heart you'd find your way.

xo

Blogger Alpha DogMa said...

So in the air at 15,000 feet, with my son and our sun is a lovely turn of phrase. And a lovely thought.

Blogger slouching mom said...

Darling LM, this makes me so happy, makes me want to get up and dance.

YES!

(I'm so sorry I've been MIA.)

Post a Comment

<< Home

Lawyer Mama
Made by Andrea Micheloni
footer