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'Tis The Season ... To Be Tacky
I have this rule about Christmas lights. There shall only be white lights on the outside of my home. We put colored lights on our tree and I certainly don't do a designer tree. I love all of the family ornaments and those we've collected over the year. Our Christmas tree is special. It's personal.

But in my yard there will be no inflatable Santa, no plastic nativity scene, no hodgepodge of lights causing seizures among the neighborhood children and sucking up enough energy to power Lichtenstein. This is pretty much Lawyer Mama's Third Commandment. It comes right after "Thou shalt put the toilet seat down" and "Thou shalt not pick your nose in public."

Why the edict on the lights? It's a slippery slope. It starts out as a harmless little lighted mechanical reindeer. Next thing you know, your yard looks like this:

I was flabbergasted when I saw this today. But then puzzled when I thought I spotted an ostrich in the plastic nativity scene. I may be a heathen, but I think I'd remember that from the Bible.

I made T drive around the other side of the house so I could check the ostrich out from a different angle.

Well, it's still tacky.

Folks, today is Day 8 of the Stalking of Wil Wheaton. Alpha Dogma was kind enough to award me a BhD for my relentless stalking of Wil Wheaton. She even offered up some Wil eye candy for my perusal. Even if Wil never acknowledges my existence, at least I'll always have that. Thank you, my dear AD. Thank you.

I'm so putting that on my resume.

And now I'm passing the BhD on to Jenny from Mama Drama and The Blogess, the inspiration for my Wil stalking campaign. Jenny is so damn funny it's almost sad. In a funny way. Her Halloween post nearly gave me a stroke. Jenny excels at funny, but she also excels at the personal and she's a fantastic writer. Plus, she really gets me. I mean, she's semi-stalking Amy Sedaris and even wrote her a letter. With pictures. And gave it to her at BlogHer. Dude. I want to be Jenny when I grow up. Or don't grow up.

Seriously, what is with those Houston bloggers? They all seem to be amazing. Jenny, Julie, and Kyla are almost enough to make me move to Houston.

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Blogger deam said...

Yes, I used to tell my darling husband that it had to be white lights out side and NO we are not getting the inflatable globe.

But then LED lights came out and my husband bought them and even though they are white they are totally tacky so I said what the heck, get the inflatable globe and when he came home with the light up Christmas FROG (yes frog), what was I to say but PLUG IT IN... luckily we live in the country and no one can see us but our own kids.

Blogger Mamma said...

I'm a white light girl as well. Though I have to admit I have been using some twinkling (not blinking) white snowflake lights in addition the past couple of years. That was a huge step for me. I love the way they look though.

When we moved to Florida we were so appalled/amazed by all of the outrageous light displays and then we realized that folks were making up for the lack of snow with lights. After that, I sort of thought them endearing--as long as they weren't at my house.

Blogger flutter said...

THANK YOU. No, seriously because there is this house, down the street with a freakin shit ton of crap that has nothing to do with Christmas, but somehow because she puts santa hats on all of it, becomes seasonal.

Your lawn jockey? With a santa hat?


Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

LOL! Glad to hear I'm not the only one. And lets not even get in to the tackiness of lawn jockeys. Putting a Santa hat on one doesn't improve it either!

Blogger blooming desertpea said...

LOL - why are todays posts ALL funny? But hey, I'm not complaining. Especially this one:

"Thou shalt put the toilet seat down" .

And I agree with on that ostrich - erm - camel. It is tacky, indeed!

Blogger Suz said...

I have the same guidelines for decorations. Tasteful white lights on the outside, personal on the inside. That's pretty much how I do everything, now that I think about it.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oooh, that is tacky. I feel sorry for the people who live across the street from them.

I go even further: no outside lights that require my husband to climb on the roof. I put a red bulb in the porch light which gives our house both a festive and a whore-house effect.

But seriously it is cold up here and very very snowy and I'm not risking a broken limb or frostbite for Christmas lights.

But the inside our house is a wall to wall garland, Santas and reindeers.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

PS - how is it that Wil has resisted you so long? Keep the faith. You will be victorious.

I am not opposed to a few inflatables, here and there.....but people tend to go overboard.....and by overboard...I mean, COMPLETELY CRAZY!

I am going to email you a picture of my dad's yard...you will then be able to truly grasp the concept of GOING TOO FAR! Of course, we will have to wait...it takes him over a week to get everything out! Does it make it less tacky if he paid a fortune for the stuff?

Didn't think so! :)

Stay on Will (hee-hee)...soon he will come over to the dark side of the force! :)

Anonymous Jenny said...

Dude. I'm going to find Wil and make him take you out for drinks. And take me out for steak. And put up my christmas camel. Because someone needs to.

Please come down for the weekend I Julie, Kyla and I will wine and dine you so well you'll have no memory of the event except a tattoo and a hangover.

Anonymous Angela said...

I, too, caved under the mounting pressure for colored lights on the tree. We also have the white lights outside. If pressed, I would also allow small colored lights outdoors, if and only if they are presented in an organized fashion, without the blinkity blink and in complete absence of anything requiring the use of a fan to operate it. As long as it doesn't look like Kris Kringle vomited all over the front lawn, I'm okay. I also threatened, last year, to begin a door-to-door tirade when trees were still up (and LIT) long after VALENTINE'S DAY.

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

AD - I can see the wisdom in that. Plus, who wants to wait on a husband in a cast, hand and foot before Christmas! And I have no idea how Wil can resist me. I mean, I'm so damn awesome.

Heather - You MUST send me a pic! I promise not to forward it all over the internet, no matter how tacky it is.

Jenny - I've always wanted a tattoo.... Now, if you had a Christmas ostrich, I bet Wil would be all over that.

Blogger slouching mom said...

Thank you.

I agree completely.

And this needed to be said.

Blogger Jenn said...

It still shocks me to this day that so many people are completely unaware of the 11th Commandment:

Thou shalt not use colored lights to celebrate the holiday season.

Guess they are gonna be in for a little surprise when they hit the pearly gates.

Anonymous sam said...

My husband is all about the tacky Christmas lights. If he had his way, our house would replicate The Griswald's. It drives me bat shit crazy.

Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

I will never, EVER, do that to my yard but I freaking love it when others do it to theirs. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Tackiness does that to me.

Blogger DD said...

Is that really one person's yard?? That's awful.

I have the same rules as you even though XBoy would like nothing more than to see our 10 acres dotted with the inflatable ornaments. He thinks that they are like the moon tents that you can get in and jump around.

Blogger Julie Pippert said...

I have a wreath for the door. That's all.

I'm too lazy to do any lights, and too cheap to pay one of the yard guys to do it.

Yes, come to Houston---we do rock out loud. Although, consider we might all be cracked in the heads due to pollution, too. ;)

LOL about your award and we'll get Wil, my pretty!

Using My Words

Anonymous PT-LawMom said...

Did you see the Blogess's post on why her neighbors now hate her? Almost made me pee myself. Soooo funny!

I agree, that display is seriously tacky. And I moved from the ghetto in DC where you can't even put lights out because someone will steal them and sell them for crack to a town where Tacky and Big Hair are the name of the game and each of my neighbors seems hell-bent on outdoing the other at Every.Single.Holiday. (Huge, giant, glow-in-the-dark Easter eggs, for example. SERIOUSLY!)

Blogger odd facts said...

Wow. I mean... Wow!

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