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Some Questions for Virginia Drivers
For Julie's Hump Day Hmmm this week, she asked that we write about something that's bothering us in a humorous way. Gah! The pressure to be funny on demand is too great! I do have something that's been bothering me. I can't promise funny, but I can promise sarcasm....

I have some questions and comments for Virginia drivers:

  1. If there's construction ahead and a lane ending, let me in. If you don't, I'll be forced to drive to the front of the line and bulldoze my way in. I'll win. My SUV is bigger than yours.

  2. What the hell is up with the confederate flag you're hanging in your back window? The war is over. We lost. Get over it. And stop perpetuating hate and discrimination with that disgusting symbol. It means hate NOT heritage!

  3. What's up with the gun rack? I rarely see actual guns in them, which, let's face it, is probably a good thing, but are you trying to convince me that you actually hunt? If you don't, lose the gun rack. It is not a cute accessory.

  4. Ditto with those annoying play boy bunny mud flaps. It's not going to help you pick up women.

  5. Truck balls. Explain yourself. It's bad enough that you've purchased that truck with jacked up wheels to attempt to overcome your inadequacies. Do you have to hang plastic nuts from the rear too?

  6. Why are you riding my bumper? Does it take too much effort for you to change lanes? Do you really think you're following at a safe distance? I hope you have insurance, because if the kids aren't in the car I might hit my brakes and sue you for whiplash.

  7. HOV Lane means High Occupancy Vehicle lane. It does not mean that you, the solo driver, can use that lane to pass or to cruise when traffic is backed up. All those people you're cruising by will bludgeon you to death with your truck balls if given the chance.

  8. Turn your stereo down. I don't want to listen to your booming music, particularly if it's 2am and I can hear it from my house. I'm going to sound like my mother for a moment but, you're going to be deaf if you don't knock it off.

  9. Put your kids in a car seat! If I see them bouncing all over the back of the car I will call the police and I will pull up next to you at the intersection and yell at you. And yes, it is my business!

I think I'm done for now.


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Blogger Kyla said...

YES! Except change Virginia to Texas.

I hate those balls. We call them "teeny penis trucks" because, WOW! Overcompensation to the max.

Blogger Suz said...

North Carolina, too.

Except I've never seen truck balls. Have to admit that I'm happy about that.

Blogger Sunshine said...

Wow, you have a LOT more crazy stuff to look at than we do here. I'm almost a little jealous!

Gun racks - nope
Confederate stickers - nope
Truck balls - that's a first

I'm still trying to figure out the appeal of the balls....wow.

Blogger jen said...

good lord am i appreciating the Bay Area right about now.

Blogger Brillig said...

HAHAHAHAHA. Fantastic, LM.

And, ewwwww, you just posted a pic of those balls on your pretty pink blog...)

Blogger Julie Pippert said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA...what's the difference between Virginia and Texas?

The ZIP CODE and that's all according to this list, LOL.

I will say, hon, though that in Texas the gun rack is empty because the weapon is concealed.

I'll never forget having a lovely lunch with charming ladies in a restaurant...all of whom were ARMED TO THEIR TEETH, guns tucked in their sweet little Kate Spade.

You are cracking me up.

Using My Words

Anonymous Mishel said...

I live in TN and I'd be willing to say that the weapon too is concealed:) That or being used by someone in the family:) As for the plastic nuts, I would never have them but I laugh each time I see them:) Stupid nuts!

Blogger PunditMom said...

Truck balls?!?! That must be a Virginia thing! ;)

Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

No one drives as well as you and me. Heh.

Blogger bubandpie said...

I think I could have lived my life happily without ever knowing that there was such a thing as truck balls.

Much less seeing them. (My eyes! My eyes!)

Blogger Gwen said...

Where can I get myself some of them truck balls? They'll go just right with my confederate flag and gun rack. Yee haw!

Blogger Ally said...

I've never seen truck balls before. And I consider myself lucky. Ew.

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

I truly wish I'd never seen truck balls before too! I'm thrilled to pass along this new Southern phenomenon to the rest of you.

Julie - Well nothing says Kate Spade like a semi-automatic. Right? LOL!

Anonymous Keli said...

Apparently, your questions/comments are addressed to people of incomparable stupidity. What are they good for? Sheer entertainment value in blogs like your's! Very funny!

Blogger Jen M. said...

WHAT ARE THE ODDS??? That two women both post about truck balls? I am dying over here!

Blogger flutter said...

Huh. I don't know what to say about that

Anonymous Pinks & Blues said...

Absolutely positively LOVED this blog.

I'm from RI... but can still appreciate from here!

- Audrey
Pinks & Blues

Blogger ExPatSW said...

When I visited NC last November I got my first look at truck balls! Pissed myself laughing! I think they should be outlawed as road hazards; all of us women driving around, laughing hysterically at the truck owners.

So, I tell myself, "What do you expect? It's NC!" and I take off for Chesapeake to see you. What do I find all along the way? Truck balls across NC and VA!

Blogger lildb said...

"bludgeon you to death with your truck balls"

that's. painfully. awesome.

Blogger Bon said...

sweet mercy...i thought i lived in the back of beyond, but i've been spared the sight of truck balls, til now.

klassy, non?

Blogger Susie PSU said...

Um, yeah, I grew up in VA. Dad never had the truck balls or the flag, but guilty on the gun rack. He did usually have a rifle in it, though, in his defense.
Those are some good lookin' balls, by the way. Textured and EVERYTHING!! LOL

Anonymous PT-LawMom said...

Oh, yes, I've seen the balls. I live in a pretty conservative state right now and, except for the W stickers, they are surprisingly low-key compared to Virginia. What the hell is with the confederate flags up there? It's like the closer you get to the battle line... Argh.

Blogger blooming desertpea said...

Hilarious - especially since I don't live in the US. I think I can snigger even more ... :)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

where do you drive in VA b/c in arlington we dont have any of these insane things

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Anonymous - See location listed under profile. Hampton Roads: Virginia Beach, Norfolk, Chesapeake. The largest metropolitan area in Virginia.

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Oh & I lived in the City of Falls Church until 2 years ago. While truck balls hadn't yet made an appearance, I definitely have seen gun racks & confederate flags in Northern Virginia!

Blogger Shari said...

You are a woman after my own heart. Seriously, the truck balls drive me nuts, no pun intended. 1) do they have to be flesh colored? 2) Do they have to be non-symmetrical to insure you actually know they are supposed to be testes? 3) It's just gross, I mean really!!! I was just complaining about them the other day. And I really don't want to explain to my 8 year old why the jackass in front of me has balls hanging off his truck.

Blogger Christine said...

i am happy to say that i have never seen one of those truck balls--eeeeeeewwww!

Blogger CPA Mom said...

what, wait, i'm always using the HOV lanes to pass asshats going 55 in the next lane....no one else is using them! stupid HOV, trying to legislate social behavior...

I saw a 2 year old unrestrained yesterday, just bouncing away in the back seat at 55 mph

Blogger Lady Liberal said...

Truck balls and PlayBoy Bunny mud flaps??? Are you certain you're actually in Virginia? Because I swear it sounds a whole lot like SC...
A college girlfriend of mine once stole a pair of those truck balls off a Ford F-250... and put them on her bright yellow VW Bug with feminist/environmentalist bumper stickers. It was beautiful.
I wanted to leave a "Hi! A bunch of liberal feminists castrated your truck, you redneck!" note.

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Lady Liberal - That castration was an act of mercy, I assure you. We should start a feminist movement & print up bumper stickers to slap on trucks as we steal their balls!

Anonymous Emily said...

Girl, the blasting music is an international problem. I have it here in London at 2 AM.

Truck balls, however, not so universal.

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Em - I'd be happy to send some your way. Maybe I can find some with the British flag. Wouldn't that be grand?

Blogger Queeny said...

I've actually seen a pair of those truck balls hanging from a car. It took me a minute to figure out what they were. Why on earth anyone would want to drive around with those things dangling is beyond me.

And hey, when did Virginians start invading South Texas? That's got to be the reason for the influx of bad drivers he re.

That is too funny! I swear...it's like you have been driving around here! Stupid drivers make me angry!

I suffer from debilitating road rage! It is difficult to contain my profanity when the children are in the car!

PS.....my brother HAS truck balls!


No truck balls yet in Northern Virginia (very few Confederate flags or gun racks, either). I promise the second I see some truck balls up here, I will let you know!

Blogger painted maypole said...

amen, sister!

Blogger moosh in indy. said...

Change Virgina to Indiana.

Blogger Gunfighter said...

As a fellow Virginia driver, please allow me to visit each one of these things, individually.

At the construction site, I'll always let someone in if they signal. If they drive right to the merge are to shoulder in. I don't move, and SUV or not I ALWAYS win... my car is old and paid for!

The Confederate flag... Oy! Could they be stupider?

Gun racks are funny... I alwys thought that they were more of a socail statement than an indication of status as a hunter. These days, a gun in a truck rack means "steal me!"

Bunny flaps = LOSER!

Truck balls: An indicator, for public consumption, that you rarely get laid.

Tailgating (see bunny flaps AND truck balls)

HOV lane: The place where my fellow lawmen wait for the dopes that you mentioned... especially in Fairfax County, around Springfield and Lorton!

Stereo noise: That's what shotguns are for.

Amen about the kids in the car seat, LM!

Blogger Gunfighter said...

Au contraire Angry Pregnant Lawyer, I see them regularly on I-95 between Woodbridge and DC... Idiots with confederate flags, too.

Blogger Gunfighter said...

Au contraire Angry Pregnant Lawyer, I see them regularly on I-95 between Woodbridge and DC... Idiots with confederate flags, too.

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