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6/26/2007
Just Call Me "Grace"
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The week before Little H was born, I fell down in the hospital parking lot. I was 8 months pregnant, a little awkward, and I refused to stop wearing heels. Hey, I'm 5'2", people, I need all the help I can get!

Anywho, I'd been walking out to my car after one of my twice weekly biophysical profiles at the hospital (ah, the joys of high risk pregnancy), and I went down like a rock. Onto my knee. I was wearing a skirt. Ouch.

I wish I could blame it on that stretchy ligament thing that happens to pregnant women, but I'm generally a klutz even when I'm not knocked up. I once fell down while standing still in a hallway talking to a co-worker.

Seriously.

I may be one smart cookie, but apparently I can't stand and talk at the same time.

So, when I went in for my conveniently scheduled c-section a week after my parking lot fall, the nurse took a look at my gruesome knee, asked me how it happened, and then promptly clipped a hot pink band around my wrist.


She told me that it's used as a warning to the staff that I'm a habitual faller.

Me: "You mean it tells everyone that I'm a klutz who can't be trusted to walk to the bathroom by herself or say, handle an innocent newborn?"
Nurse: "Yeah. Pretty much."

Well, I was allowed to handle Holden, but they did slap a nice matching sign onto my hospital room door.


When my perinatologist saw it, she told me that they usually only put it on the doors of little old women who've just broken a hip.

Great.

Just get me one of those LifeCall buttons and call it a day. Although, for the record, I've never seriously uttered the words, "I've fallen and I can't get up."

"We're sending help immediately, Mrs. Fletcher!"

Since then, I've managed many spectacularly embarrassing falls, but none of them were particularly memorable. It happens so often, you see, that the scars on my knees all sort of blend together.

Fast forward to last weekend.

T and I took the H's to the Botanical Gardens to see my picture and to let the little heathens run amok for awhile. The children's garden tuckered them out nicely, so we hopped on the tram for the ride back to the car. When we got off the tram, I attempted to sit down on a low retaining wall while hubs went to get the car.

I was holding Holden.

You can see where this is going already, can't you? Yup. It will be a miracle if the child makes it to adulthood.

I fell down right by the wall.

T said it was a rather graceful fall and complimented the way I cupped Holden's head and rolled onto my back like a turtle. Whereupon I laid there like a half-dead cockroach, kicking my legs and yelling at T to take the baby.

Unfortunately, despite my cradling of Little H, I managed to slam his right arm into and down the wall on my way down. There was a lot of screaming. Most of it done by me. "He hit the wall! OMG! He hit the WALL!"

Are we seeing a pattern here?

Holden is fine. His arm is a bit scraped up, but I think I have a few more gray hairs.

And I'm no longer allowed to carry the baby unless he's encased in bubble wrap.

I just hope poor Holden hasn't inherited my grace and poise. If so, the poor kid is doomed.


Oh yeah, that lovely "I'm a klutz" sign up above? My husband asked if he could take it when we left the hospital. It hangs on our refrigerator door.

I love you too, dear.

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39 Comments:

Blogger Christine said...

I have fallen down the stairs a)holding a puppy b) holding my baby daughter and c)holding my infant son.

It actually makes me feel better knowing there is another klutzy mom out there like me!

Blogger Binky said...

Maybe I shouldn't be laughing, but I can't get over the fact that you are a medically diagnosed habitual faller, with hot pink accessories to prove it! I have to admit I can relate a little too well to falling out of a complete stand-still in the middle of a conversation. Ahhh. All's well that ends well, right? Knock on wood, I mean!

Blogger Alpha DogMa said...

'Lawyer Mama, Habitual Faller' would look awesome on your business cards!
I don't fall, but I do habitually dislocate my pinky toe. It began after I stubbed it twenty times on the oddily wide base of our son's high chair. Now my toe slides in and out of joint accompanied by a loud POP and a shudder from my husband.

Blogger slouching mom said...

LM, that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I can't get over the pink wristband! And the sign!

ROFL!

Be careful, girl!

Blogger Julie Pippert said...

I am so sorry and don't hate me but...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OMFG the pink wrist band and the pink door sticker. OMFG BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay. Okay. I think I'm done.

Snort. Snort. LOL

My husband is also a klutz and so far our younger takes after him. In their cases it is more a not paying attention to where they are going or to their surroundings, though, or so it appears to me who is usually incredulous, my gosh how did you manage THAT?!?!

I hope you remain safe and your kids too.

Blogger Brillig said...

Okay, I really should say, "I'm so sorry. That's just awful." But no, the laughter overcomes me instead....

(Seriously! I'm picturing the dead cockroach legs-kicking thing. HHAHAHAHA)

Blogger Rebecca said...

I too am laughing at the rolling over like a turtle, legs kicking in the air image.

Even worse than high heeled shoes for falling, are platform shoes,.... absolute ankle-twisters!

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Rebecca - So I probably shouldn't mention that I was wearing platform flip flops at the time.... LOL!

Thanks for the laughter, y'all! I'll have to seriously rethink my business cards for BlogHer -

Lawyer Mama
Habitual Faller

with the hot pink falling sign in the background. What do you think?

Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

It's not very nice of me that I'm laughing over your unfortunate condition (habitual faller!) but that hot pink sign has got me rolling!

Blogger Joy, of course said...

Ya know, in my real life...it's been a bit of a bad day but fortunetly it's been a hillarious one in the blogosphere. This is the funniest thing I have read yet. I can not believe they gave you a wristband and a sign. I can't stop giggling.

Blogger Bon said...

oh, that pink sign!

oh, that image of a cockroach kicking on its back!

i'm laughing, yet traumatized.

it's hard out there for a klutz.

Blogger flutter said...

Dude!! I fell on a barrett in a parking lot and broke my ankle!

Blogger jen said...

it's official. we were seperated at birth. (as she gazes at her recently acquired bruises)

I am coming by from the The Queen's blog ... you know.. you were voted for "Rockin"...

yes.... I can't help that I got quite a chuckle from your post...
sorry!!

You be careful.. seriously...

I had a high risk pregnacy as well..
not a whole lot of fun...

Anonymous Nancy said...

I seriously want one of those business cards. LOL!!

Anonymous Emily said...

I have the same problem. I once punched myself in the stomach while walking (don't ask). I fell down the steps twice while holding my first child when he was a baby. Both times, I found out what you found out -- the first instinct when you fall holding a baby is not self-preservation. In fact, I cradled him so much, he had no idea we had fallen.

Given this tendency, you can imagine my anxiety on a recent trip to Scotland when he (now almost 3) wanted to climb a bell tower. I was behind him as we went up the spiral, Medieval steps. Then I had to carry him down all four flights.

The steps were stone.

I definitely needed one of those bracelets that day.

Blogger Lady Liberal said...

I am truly sorry that this latest fall happened- falling by yourself is embarassing, falling with the baby is scary.
And now that's done...
ROFLMAO!!!
I'm laughing because I think we were separated at birth! I'm 5'2", pregnant, still wearing my heels. And while I'd love to blame my not-so-gracefulness on this baby... uh... nope, can't do it. I am a huge klutz all on my own w/out the powers of progesterone. As Husband likes to say, I could trip over AIR.
Hang in there... it's my belief that klutzy women are just really really amazingly smart and our brains can't be bothered with trivial things like coordination or gravity or spacial relationships.
But I am SO asking for one of those signs when I go to the hospital to have this baby!

Blogger Jenn said...

In a grocery store, while pushing a cart. The cart kept going and ran into an old lady. I rolled around (8 months along) until I got up, then walked out of the store.

I love you.

Blogger NotSoSage said...

Oh, that's hilarious. But bubble wrap? In this heat? I think maybe cotton batting might be more advisable. The bonus is that it's absorbent, so the next time you douse little H with alcohol, it'll suck it all up.

And that sign? It's kind of weird isn't it? It looks like you're NOT allowed to fall inside that room. But I love that you took it home.

Blogger For the Love... said...

Flashback of falling with new baby on cement stairs to pool...4 point landing, both elbows and knees, but baby was fine.

Now, flashback outta the way, I gotta get one of those signs! Sweet God that is too funny!

Blogger Sunshine said...

So, I take it there were never any dreams of being a Solid Gold Dancer in your youth??

Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

Okay, you were funny and then Sunshine's comment just knocked it home!

Blogger ewe are here said...

Is it wrong that I'm laughing?


And that's one way to get out of having to carry heavy children around... :0

Blogger Gwen said...

Where can I get some of those advisory signs? I've been known to fall off my flip flops, NOT the platform kind. And I'm always ALWAYS running into things. It's nice to be in good company!

Blogger CPA Mom said...

So now I know the story behind the sign.

I was afraid to ask when I saw it.

Thought it might be some top secret T stuff.

I fell with Tigger in my arms once. I blocked it out. Mostly. It is terrifying. I'll hold the baby for you. Anytime. Too cute!

Blogger newnorth said...

lol, well at least its pink :p
people look at me funny when I start to fall over. I usually kinda stumble and catch myself but I think people must think i'm drunk.

I suffer from the same affliction!

When Mr. Mayhem and I first started dating we went to an LSU football game. When I came out of the bathroom, I noticed he and a friend standing at the end of the hall. I decided to strut my stuff and I sauntered over to them. Yeah, it would have been MUCH more sexy had I not run into a desk.....hard to look desirable when you are in excruciating pain!

Let's do even go into the times I have fallen with my children! :)

Blogger emptynester said...

LOL

You inherited this trait. Remember I am the one who fell off her shoe and broke a foot.

Blogger karrie said...

You need to slap that on a t-shirt!

:)

You and Britney Spears, eh? :)

I can't believe they made you wear an armband at the hospital! That sticker is hilarious.

Blogger Part time Mommy said...

OMG there is someone like me out there. I've fallen down the stairs while carrying a baby, down the stairs while 7 mo pregnant and carrying a toddler, 8 mo pregnant down a whole flight of stairs - took the whole baby gate at the bottom off the wall and hit my head on the door.

I feel your pain!

Blogger Beck said...

A fellow klutz! Let us very carefully start a club, and the meetings can be held someplace without stairs.
I've fallen carrying a baby, too, by the way. We were fine.

Blogger TastesLikeCrazy said...

I think that every mama has done this at some point in her mama life.
When I was five months pregnant with Cara, I fell while I was taking a shower; the top half of me was out of the shower and the bottom half was still in.

So, I can totally understand the amount of suckage that is falling while you're knocked up.

Glad to hear that Holden's not hurt. Sorry to hear about the new gray hair.

http://TastesLikeCrazy.blogspot.com

Blogger painted maypole said...

very funny. My nickname WAS Grace for a while in High School. I think it had something to do with my long gangly limbs that I had not yet grown accustomed to, and the fact that I kept whapping people in the face with them.

Blogger Terry said...

That was so funny! I love the pink sign and wrist band!

Blogger PinkPowerSuit.com said...

I'm having trouble believing the pink wristband and sign is real. I've never heard of such a thing!

I HAVE ALSO FALLEN JUST STANDING! LOL. My ankle just buckled. Sooo embarrassing.

At least you're not that far from the ground. JUST KIDDING. I'm only 2 and 3/4 inches taller than you, and you better believe I round it up to 3 inches!

So fun. Make me laugh some more. I'm starting to feel really full of myself for laughing at my own jokes all the time. (Easy to do late at night.) I need more funny blogs to read.

Blogger PinkPowerSuit.com said...

I do believe you of course. Just to clarify. It's just so... odd. And funny.

Blogger Ally said...

I just about peed my pants reading this post. Loved every morsel of it. I am a fellow klutz (tripped going up the stairs carrying my newborn in her carseat a few years ago, and got to hear my 2 year old say "shit shit shit" for the whole car-ride home, having heard my say it upon falling...) But I have to say, I never in a million years would have guessed they'd have a special bracelet and sticker for it. Good Lord, the indignities we endure as mothers!

Anonymous Emily said...

OK -- I know this was an old post, but I thought of you tonight when I fell down the steps with my baby!

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